There i was one day, sitting at the corner of my room, trying to relax the sore feet and the aching heart. What was happening to me? Nothing, just burned out and stupidly trying to take suicide. Okay, I'm not going to slash my pulse or get myself poisoned. But having a lot of work is simply suicide.
It was the time when i became the in-charge for operations. I was so happy to accept that from my boss who trustfully gave me the job. Who would not want to be in the job? So i wholeheartedly accepted it. Then it was the beginning...
My officemate and a friend of mine started to act weird. I just ignored it but it just kept haunting me. We were then so close but suddenly with a snap, everything changed. I asked myself, was there anything wrong that I did because if I had done something, i would have apologized. But after examining my conscience, I really could not find anything. So i just pretended that nothing was wrong. He left the office without any word. Okay, if that whats he wanted. Fine with me. Then stories came out. I just could not believe that this person had a lot to say. I was dumbstruck with the words i heard. But i was not guilty. I believe and I am not. There were just issues that was supposed to be clarified if and only if this person talked to me. I just pity the person. But this was alarming also and have affected my relations with some people.
Dragging as it may be called. But i felt like i was stabbed in my back. I am just human and I make mistakes. Mistakes may be corrected only if the person affected is willing to converse with the person concerned. This was the fault. Questions were raised, but asked to the wrong people. Would you ask a doctor how to solve accounting problems? Hell no. Ask an accountant to do that.
Anyway, having a lot of focus left me paralyzed and confused of what to do first. Organizing my organizer eats up a lot of time. Yes I know, successful people would say that I need to prioritize things and organize them well. What if everything is urgent and meets on the same deadline. Whew! I'm all confused. Plus the ever changing decisions that adds up to the injury. I was trying to do several things at the same time. My desktop is full of files that i don't want to open my PC.
Relax, take deep breaths. Focus. Feel the air pass through your nostrils. I did all these. But none could help me relax. Food... Eat... yeah right. It just makes me blow up like a balloon.
The feeling of being a workaholic and multitasking is a form of violence to ourselves--not just physically but also emotionally. It drains our blood out of our bodies. I only wished that I had a spare body that if the other one is tired, i just have to plug it in, recharge it, transfer my memory card and hard disk drive to the other. But life only gave us one. We have to take care of it.
Yes, maybe i am committing suicide here. But hey, whenever i think of my family, my friends, the smiles of the people whom i am serving, they give me this anesthesia that allows me not to feel the exhaustion. Maybe this is my consolation for working with an NGO.
I will try change my attitude for the better so i could function well. That's a promise.
About me in the corner? Nah, I'm already in the mall right now. Hahahahaha...
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