Focus, Focus

Focus. I've been telling myself this for the past days but it really seems that I am out of focus. Maybe because I have a lot at hand right now and my tables, yeah tables, are full of papers and wires. Argh! I feel so helpless over the mound of papers. But then again, it's really up to me, right?

I've been working with several things at the same time. How's that? I should be listening to my friend, Lou. She's been telling me to relax and take things slow and focus. I just reason out most of the time that I'm so busy and I'm in control of things. And now I'm stuck with things that I think are way too heavy for me to handle. 5 tasks at the same time, I thought that I was superman. Hahahaha. Juggle on several things at the same time. There's the annual report, the Manual of Operations, 5 program manuals, Program evaluation and reviews, and the upcoming National Coordinators' Assembly.

Next week, I'll be off for Davao. Home at last. For 5 days, I could be with my family, physically at least. My mind would be swirling with the preparations for the National Assembly a week after. I have to travel from Davao City to Cagayan de Oro City for 7 hours. Just thinking that gives me all the worries.

Right now, I'm just stuck on my chair, facing my laptop, thinking what may be done but still nothing would come my way.

What I realized now is that I have to prioritize things out. How could I prioritize things if all would start and end on the same date? Nosebleed. My boss also thinks that making program manuals would be as easy as completing it within 3 days which includes the research, policy making, lay-outing and printing. How's that again?

Well, I have nothing to qualm about. It's my job. LOL. I will just have to work things out.

Big Problems, Small Problems

Have you ever felt that you want to give up on something and quit because life seems to be pushing you too hard? I often feel this at work when i wanted to quit because of multiple tasks that need to be accomplished simultaneously. Plus some people who are so darn insecure about themselves that try to pull you down. Is this life?

While doing my work juggle, a friend of mine called me up and asked me to be the guest speaker of their activity. I asked what the activity was all about and she quickly answered me, its for the community. Here i am again with my passion to serve communities, said yes despite the fact that the event would be on the next day and i had to travel around 2 hours from Manila to reach Baliuag, Bulacan.

Finally i was there. I was wearing this subtle blue long sleeves and black pants with black leader shoes, which by the way, i haven't worn for ages. I was a bit uncomfortable with the attire and even became more uncomfortable when people there started to treat me as a person in rank or position.

I just prayed that my part would end soon and kept on checking my watch. Fast forward, and the event ended. Then after the event, we went out to get some drink. I love the place where they brought me.

Sharing with what had happened, they started talking about problems and mounds of problems with what had happened and should have happened, their qualms about the school, and the unfelt support of the admin.

I thought to myself, these people should not be worrying too much since their program is a lone one and they have the focus to do it. I was comparing them with what i do, thinking about the programs and projects implemented nationwide. But what i saw in their eyes is the sincerity of heart that wishes to make the program better for the people in the community. Their hearts are so warm that they already integrated themselves to the community system. So amazing these people that they offer their lives to serve.

I was taken aback. I though i was serious with my big problems, as I thought they were, and trying to seek answers, these people have the strongest desire with their small problem, if it were for me, to be solved in as much i do.

Going down to their level was the only way to feel and see the situation better. I placed myself is their shoes. I was stunned by the situation they are in. It is a big problem now. I really wanted to ease them during that night with stories of life and stuff.

I really enjoyed their company. So genuine and fun. I hope I could come back and be with them for fun's sake.

Lessons learned? Problems are problems if we treat them as one. Optimism is needed in order to fight back and never lose hope. Our commitment is what we hold on to; to continue serving. There are no big problems or small problems, they are all but challenges in our lives that God wants us to learn something out of it. The key is, never panic and point fingers.

Reflections: A Soulful Relationship

As I was browsing my e-mail, Ate Raine posted this story as she shared it with the others. I was so struck with this story for I believe this is very important for us who are looking for a relationship or having a relationship now or planning to get married.

I also wanted to share this to everyone who would be able to read this blog. This is very inspiring and an eye opener as well.

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A SOULFUL RELATIONSHIP
*by Rev. Ronald McFadden

If you're not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married,
share it with your spouse or other married couples and reflect on it.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open,
and after you marry, close one eye."

Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let
lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low
self-esteem, make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and
don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as
faults aren't really important.

Once you decide to commit to someone, over time his or her flaws,
vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious.
If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve,
you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing
bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations,
emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two
unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life
together.

Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you
bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete,
compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you
bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't
take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone
love you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you
won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness
or responsible for your pain.

Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness, and selfishness are not the
ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship!
Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in
a relationship. What keeps a relationship strong?

Communication, intimacy, trust, a sense of humor, sharing household
tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily
exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note.)
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I was so inspired with this story. It brings me back to realizations on my past relationships. I told a few of my friends that the reason for our breakup was my obsession to her. That I see as a very stringent factor that left me blinded for several months.

Having a partner in a relationship is not that easy. It is adjusting to the person who you chose to be with or commit yourself to love exclusively. Yes, we think that it was that easy, as I also thought it was. It is accepting the the wholeness of the person--the nice things and the not-so-nice things about that person.

Opening our eyes makes us evaluate the relationship objectively. Yes, i know. I was guilty of this love-is-blind or shall i say love-makes-you-blind. I was blinded by the different facts. But hey, that was the past.

The important thing now is that I was able to learn a lot from that relationship. Having said that, I believe that i am more ready to have another relationship. I could not turn the past back like "Sana Maulit Muli" with Poknat and Bokbok. Hehehe. But there is still a bright tomorrow ahead of me.

Who? When? Where? How? It's just a matter of faith

Multi-Tasking Suicide

There i was one day, sitting at the corner of my room, trying to relax the sore feet and the aching heart. What was happening to me? Nothing, just burned out and stupidly trying to take suicide. Okay, I'm not going to slash my pulse or get myself poisoned. But having a lot of work is simply suicide.

It was the time when i became the in-charge for operations. I was so happy to accept that from my boss who trustfully gave me the job. Who would not want to be in the job? So i wholeheartedly accepted it. Then it was the beginning...

My officemate and a friend of mine started to act weird. I just ignored it but it just kept haunting me. We were then so close but suddenly with a snap, everything changed. I asked myself, was there anything wrong that I did because if I had done something, i would have apologized. But after examining my conscience, I really could not find anything. So i just pretended that nothing was wrong. He left the office without any word. Okay, if that whats he wanted. Fine with me. Then stories came out. I just could not believe that this person had a lot to say. I was dumbstruck with the words i heard. But i was not guilty. I believe and I am not. There were just issues that was supposed to be clarified if and only if this person talked to me. I just pity the person. But this was alarming also and have affected my relations with some people.

Dragging as it may be called. But i felt like i was stabbed in my back. I am just human and I make mistakes. Mistakes may be corrected only if the person affected is willing to converse with the person concerned. This was the fault. Questions were raised, but asked to the wrong people. Would you ask a doctor how to solve accounting problems? Hell no. Ask an accountant to do that.

Anyway, having a lot of focus left me paralyzed and confused of what to do first. Organizing my organizer eats up a lot of time. Yes I know, successful people would say that I need to prioritize things and organize them well. What if everything is urgent and meets on the same deadline. Whew! I'm all confused. Plus the ever changing decisions that adds up to the injury. I was trying to do several things at the same time. My desktop is full of files that i don't want to open my PC.

Relax, take deep breaths. Focus. Feel the air pass through your nostrils. I did all these. But none could help me relax. Food... Eat... yeah right. It just makes me blow up like a balloon.

The feeling of being a workaholic and multitasking is a form of violence to ourselves--not just physically but also emotionally. It drains our blood out of our bodies. I only wished that I had a spare body that if the other one is tired, i just have to plug it in, recharge it, transfer my memory card and hard disk drive to the other. But life only gave us one. We have to take care of it.

Yes, maybe i am committing suicide here. But hey, whenever i think of my family, my friends, the smiles of the people whom i am serving, they give me this anesthesia that allows me not to feel the exhaustion. Maybe this is my consolation for working with an NGO.

I will try change my attitude for the better so i could function well. That's a promise.

About me in the corner? Nah, I'm already in the mall right now. Hahahahaha...

ABBA Fan

Is it possible to fall in love with somebody you haven't met even once?

This question flashes in my mind every single time i hold my phone. Weird? It's because i feel that i am specially connected with this girl which i haven't seem even once and our only means of communication, yes, the phone.

She was introduced to me by my college classmate back in davao. She said that she is a very attractive young girl of my type. Wow! My friend was really into me getting over with my previous relationship with a student nurse. Yeah. It was cool but during that time, hopes were low because i know i will be comparing her with my x. I know, it's bad to do such thing but hey, i'm just being honest.

So, my friend gave of her number and said that this girl thinks i'm cute. Hmmm... Interesting. Why would somebody be interested with this geek with eye glasses and not to mention the not-so-good-looking-physique. Anyway, i gave it a try then. Why not? Maybe she is the one for me.

I started texting her and boy she was good with conversations. A woman of substance. She's funny and knowledgeable. We never run out of topics to talk about, until now.

I was still having my phone post paid, i started calling her, just eager to know how her voice sounds. A very sweet, tender, very calm, entertaining, and so perfect to hear that i kept on calling her up, burning my phone line till i got battery empty. I didn't care for the bill, i just couldn't stop listening to her caressing voice through the speaker of my phone.

The day came that i started calling her ate and she's calling me kuya. That was our call for endearment. How funny isn't it? But it means a lot to me. Legally, she's older than me by almost two months. I agreed to be her kuya since she's an unica hija.

Our text-call relationship ran about one year. Within that one year, a lot of things had happened. Our closest encounter ever was 1-1, 1 meter near for only 1 second. Gosh! I was in the bus bound for davao city from cagayan de oro and she was bound for cagayan de oro from davao city. We accidentally had the same trip time at 4:00 am and guess what, we actually sat on the same seating positing inside the bus. We calculated travel time and identified our point of interception. It was there exactly. Amazing huh?

Later the year, i started dreaming of her. And worse, day dreaming while i'm in the office. Crazy. She's miles away from me. She's in Ilo-ilo now, taking up medicine. But why am i thinking of her? Is it because i have her picture in my phone and made it to a wallpaper? I had her picture in my pc and also made it my wallpaper? I know i felt this feeling before. This feeling of wanting this person to be with me, of wanting this person to also want me, of wanting this person to Love me. Why is she sticking in my mind? I should not be bothering her, she must focus with her studies. She must succeed with her field. I don't want to interfere with her with this feeling that i have. But the ultimate question is, is it possible for a person to fall in love with somebody, miles and miles away, that i haven't net even once? Why am i feeling this?

All i know is that i care for her and i want the best for her. And i also know that deep inside, despite the facts, my heart beats and my mind thinks that I Love Her.